I HAVE TO BELIEVE

The following are words from a song that express my innermost feelings on life and on anything that happens to come my way. God is in control and I am happy with that. The lyrics are from a wonderful praise and worship artist named Rita Springer. If you have never listened to her, I would highly recommend checking out her music. Just do a search and you will find samples everywhere on the net.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE

I have to believe that He sees my darkness. I have to believe that He knows my pain. I have to lift up my hands to worship, Worship His name.

I have to declare that He is my refuge. I have to deny that I am alone. I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains. It is where my help comes from.

He said that He's forever faithful. He said that He's forever true. He said that He can move mountains; And if He can move mountains, He can move my mountain. He can move your mountain too.

I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over. I have to stand strong when I'm weak and afraid. I have to grab hold, hold of the garments; Garments of praise.

I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight. He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul. My sin and my shame, He has forgiven and made me whole.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE.

SHINGLES?!!! You Mean Like ROOF Shingles Right?

Before, I only thought of shingles as something on the top of roof. Now, I have to take yet another look at the word and add the new definition to my growing vocabulary. Why would they name it shingles? Oh my. People get scared of you when you say you have Shingles and they don't even know what it means. I was scared of me until I researched it somewhat.

Who gets Shingles? Not me. I thought. Well, come to find out I am a perfect candidate for the illness. First off, you have to have had chicken pox before. I had them in my 20's. I caught them while babysitting my wonderful, lovely and little at the time, niece Heather. I told everyone I had never had the chickenpox before and they all said...sure you have or you won't catch it! I think they really needed a babysitter...LOL. It's okay sis, I love you still and always. Anyway, after having the chickenpox, the virus lies inactive or dormant in your nerves. Years later, the virus may be reactivated. Well, come to find out, a low immune system can cause the virus to be reactivated. I .... being on chemo....have a lowered immunity. Therefore, my little virus has raised it's ugly head again after 20 years.

Here is part of the definition of shingles that I picked up from the Mayo Clinic. I don't want you to be scared of me, I want you to be aware of me.

Shingles is a viral infection that causes a painful rash. Also known as herpes zoster, it often appears as a band of blisters that wraps from the middle of your back around one side of your chest to your breastbone. Other parts of your body can be involved as well, including your neck, face or scalp.

The pain of shingles can be excruciating, and the cause might not be immediately evident. But once the telltale rash and blisters start on one side of your body, it's more easily identified as shingles.

Shingles isn't a life-threatening condition, but it can be very painful. Sometimes, the rash leads to a debilitating complication called postherpetic neuralgia. This condition causes the skin to remain painful and sensitive to touch for months or even years after the rash clears up.

Improving After Treatment

Well, I am improving finally. I am still walking funny due to the blisters on my feet and my hands still have blisters as well as my mouth and throat. I am slowly gaining more energy and am about ready to take on some more tasks. I miss writing on my blog and I sure don't see facebook very much at all. Just wanted to post this for the family and friends who are patiently waiting for my next blog.

The Lord has been waking me up every morning at about 4:30 a.m. I told my hubby he misses me and just wants to talk. Sometimes I pray as I feel led. Sometimes I say, "Hello there" and just lay back down and sleep more. Sometimes I just smile and I am encouraged to know He is just there. I love Him.

How am I Feeling?

Very quickly and pretty briefly, I am not feeling too well for the time being. I had Toxatere and Zometa on Tuesday and that was pretty easy. On Wednesday I went back for the Neulasta shot for my white blood counts and also for another round of chemo called Avastin.

Today I have blisters on the bottoms of my feet and on my hands. My mouth is numb as are my fingers. I am extremely fatiqued and very grumpy. I have bone pain and nausea.

Not too funny today.....maybe tomorrow. :-(

LOVE YOU ALL!

SIDE EFFECTS OF CHEMO

Well, about a week ago I said I was going to talk about the side effects I have been having since the chemotherapy infusion. So, here it goes.



I think I remember seeing a list of about 25 different possible side effects and I have experienced about 23 out of the 25. Needless to say, as the time approaches for me to return to the Chemo chair for another infusion I am certainly beginning to feel like the stereotype of the ol' donkey sitting on his hind end with his feet outstretched as if to say, "I am not going anywhere". We all know that I have to go. I don't have to look forward to it, but there is certainly no other alternative at this time. God will get me there and home again when it is time, that I am sure of.



Now, about that long list. Day one, right after chemo; we stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some things for dinner and my meds for coping with any side-effects. Joe and I went in, he went to the left to get food and I went to the right to get meds. I noticed right away that they had replaced my steadfast, sturdy legs with rubbery, jellyfish legs. It felt like they were going to leave me right there in the store. How dare they abandon me! Okay, so SIDE EFFECT #1: RUBBERY LEGS OR WEAKNESS IN LEGS. SIDE EFFECT #2: INSOMNIA. I only managed to sleep about 6 hours between Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning. I was so tired and crabby it was crazy! I didn't expect that but it happened. Then I crashed Friday afternoon and night. SIDE EFFECT #3: IRRITABILITY. That is probably due to insomnia and having to stay in the bed and just lay down for days. SIDE EFFECT #4: NAUSEA & VOMITTING. Again, I did not expect this one because it did not hit me until Saturday morning. We had a Bible Study at our house that morning and it came on suddenly during the study. I excused myself to the bathroom and felt MUCH better after I returned to the table. Hahaha. SIDE EFFECT #5: HEADACHES. Major head pain here. Not looking forward to that again. SIDE EFFECT #6: SORE FEET. My feet have gotten very tender since treatment. It is like the bottoms are blistered. My big fuzzy slippers are going to get worn out now because they feel AWESOME on my feet and I wear them a lot. SIDE EFFECT #7: BLISTERED HANDS. I am not quite sure about this one but it is annoying that is for sure. I don't even think this was on the list of side effects that I saw. It just happened. My tops of my hands turned red all across my knuckles and fingers after about the first few days and since about two days ago, the blisters went away and now I am left with shedding the dead skin from the blistering. That is so gross. I am shedding like a lizzard. Today I was talking to God and said, "You are healing my dry skin from the past aren't you?" I was thinking that He is going to shed all that damaged skin on my hands and they would end up pretty and young looking again. Time will tell. In the meantime, if you shake my hand or hug me, we may just get stuck together like velcro cause I am sticky. Sorry, but the hand lotion is just not helping. Now I know how my bearded dragon feels. I also know I am not going to be putting pantyhose on any time soon. SIDE EFFECT #8: MOUTH SORES. This is one of the more common or at least more talked about side effects that I have had. If you have ever burnt your tongue on hot food or coffee, that is how my mouth feels all the time. I can't eat ANY spices. It is so bad that Ranch Dressing even hurts it. I eat mashed potatoes, shakes, chicken and Arby's Roast Beef with only the melted cheddar on it. NO SAUCE. Breakfast does well too. This is getting better but still present as of today. I don't know if it happens again after chemo next Tuesday. I certainly am hoping that most of my symptoms are not repeating ones. SIDE EFFECT #9: CRACKING, CHAFFED SKIN. This happened on my thighs and mid-section, my sides and my back. They are dark red stripes all over these areas as well as the backs of my ankles. Yuck. The ones on my lower extremities are painful and swell. They also bust open. SIDE EFFECT #10: BALDNESS. Another common effect depending on the Chemo meds used. I look like DOPEY on drugs now! I made every person in my house pull out some hair. It was a requirement for living with me. Just kidding. I would not MAKE them but they all did it. The poor 11-year-old said, "Okay, that was totally gross and I don't ever wanna do that again!" I said, "But now you can say you did it!" SIDE EFFECT #11: BONE PAIN OR ACHES. This is another hard side effect and one of the most debilitating ones. The pain is immense and lots of medicine is needed to control it. SIDE EFFECT #12: NOSE BLEEDS OR BLOOD IN SINUSES. Yes,well my nose drove me nuts for 2 weeks. It was dried blood constantly in the sinuses. Not a pleasant ordeal either. SIDE EFFECT #13: LOW GRADE FEVER. My temp was around 99.9. It was enough to add to the discomfort. I am supposed to call the doctor at 100.4. It did not get that high fortunately. SIDE EFFECT #14: SHORTNESS OF BREATH. Man, I get flat worn out. I feel like I should call a CAB to go from the bedroom to the kitchen sometimes. SIDE EFFECT #15: FATIGUE. I can go and go for about 4 hours and then I just need to lay down and rest. SIDE EFFECT #16: SWELLING, WATER RETENTION. I blow up like a water balloon. The doctor gave me some Feurosimide to help control it. I have to do a low-sodium intake which rubs me the wrong way. SIDE EFFECT #17: DIARRHEA. That is all I will say. SIDE EFFECT #18: FORGETFULNESS AND INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE. Yes, I have something to blame it on now. HA! Jesus loves me though. I sometimes forget why I was going in another room. I am constantly losing my phone. It makes me want to go buy a RETRO-Style, Corded phone. SIDE EFFECT #19: NUMBNESS & TINGLING IN EXTREMITIES. Just a minor inconvenience with no major pain along with it. SIDE EFFECT #20: LOWERED SEX DRIVE. Hey, that is listed in the side effects. I would not know WHY someone who has all of the previous, 19 side effects would have this one too. WHO WOULD FIGURE? Hmmm. SIDE EFFECT #21: APPETITE AND TASTE. There is a metallic taste along with the fact that my mouth hurts too bad to eat sometimes. SIDE EFFECT #22: BLOTCHY FINGERNAILS, BRITTLENESS. The nailbeds are changing colors now and my nails break off very easily. SIDE EFFECT #23: SORE THROAT. This came when the mouth sores came and I decided that I probably just had sores in my throat too.

I think that about covers it. Now I can go and eat my Chicken and Mashed Potatoes. YUM! YUM!

CHEMO TREATMENTS EXPOSED

I decided to write today about the comical episode of my first chemotherapy treatment. I have been given a great ability to make any situation amusing.

The first day that I received the treatment everything was great except for the over-stimulating adrenaline that came with the knowledge that they were going to fill my body with some drugs that kill everything in their pathway. Oh, that along with the nurse that came out all dressed in blue from her head to her toe, just to MIX UP my chemo.....WOW. I was thinking, besides looking like something out of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, that is the stuff you are mixing to go inside ME! What a mind-pleasing thought to ponder.

After about 1 hour of the slow-dripping, I felt a slightly damp place on my arm. Water, I thought? Ha! Not hardly. My needle was bent in my arm, probably from my clumsy attempts at going to the ladies room, and the chemo was actually dripping down the side of my elbow. That was not good. Then it started to burn and I voiced my agony to the nurses and everyone else in the room at the time. "Hey!!! This is BURNING!" My husband is sitting quietly going, "Honey, are you sure it is burning? It's still dripping, everything is fine just relax". That was probably one of the not-so-smartest things he has ever said to me since we have been together. He GOT THE LOOK. :-( You know, the look. I got louder. "NURSE...Hey.....Nurse!" She had stepped out and nobody was beeping. Finally, someone heard me. AHHHH. I told her, "Please, this is not feeling right and it is burning and look here, there is something wet on my arm and the side of my elbow and my pants." She was surprised, "Oh, let's take a look honey." Quick Note: I do love my nurses at the Infusion Treatment Center where I go. Anyway, after pulling off the tape they found a bent needle, removed it all and had to re-enter the IV into my wrist for the remainder of the treatment. My hubby left the treatment center for a while, for his benefit of course. He could not take the, "I told YOU SO's". I was comfortable from that point on and yes, I ventured to the bathroom 2 more times after that and was EXTREMELY careful.

We have to share a television at the center so, once the nice gentleman that was there before me left, he ever-so-kindly handed me the remote to the television. I was ecstatic! I immediately flipped the channel to the Food Network for some cooking tips.

There was another nice older farmer in there who kept telling me, "I can't hear you, my hearing aids are not working so great!" Then he told the story of how he always puts on his sweatshirts over his head and knocks out his hearing aids in the process. He said that he never notices it until later in the day when he is talking and then he realizes they are missing. I got the biggest chuckle out of that one and I thought I should share it with my followers.

Now, I am going to leave you temporarily to Chat online with some peeps. I will be coming back in a bit to write about all of the side effects that I personally have had to deal with since this lovely chemo moment.

The Rock

This was a dream that I had on December 25, 2008. Remember while you read that I was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer in November, 2008.

I am in an Apratment building with many floors. Everything seems to be fine until I hear chaos in the hallway outside of my apartment.. The people are screaming and saying there is a tornado coming. I look out into the field beyond the apartments and I see the funnel cloud reaching all the way down to the ground. It is massive. I have no other family with me. I am alone with a dog. I called the dog Triton but the dog would not get up from his nap. He was sleeping. I realized his name was Berkley, not Triton. I began running towards the door of the apartment. I have to get down to a lower level because the tornado is coming straight for my place. I called the dog again. The dog would not come so I left him. I managed to get to the bottom level of the apartment building and frantically I looked for shelter. Out front there is a huge Rock. There is a small hole between the Rock and the wall of the building. I squeezed in. It was just big enough for me. I faced the rock and grasped onto it with all my strength.After it was all over, 30,000 people had lost their lives in that storm and I was safe. Standing there, hanging on to the Rock. The Rock had saved my life.

As a believer in Jesus Christ, this dream was so obvious to me. As long as I hang onto the Rock, Jesus Christ, I will be safe. He is my strength, by protector, my healer, my comforter, my Savior. Thank you for giving me this revelation.